my life as internet blogger

So first and foremost, my credentials: My name is Hannah Dalmolin, aka Hannah Wartooth. Despite my twitter name, I am not Miles from the show. I don’t even have sideburns. I will never be on the show, and it has zero to do with anyone but myself. I'm friends with just about everyone on the show, and love them all. I am Liz’s “bffeomglolz”, an your kind tend to say, and am writing this because I’m a little tired of seeing articles claiming to know THE REAL LIZ LEE. I’ll answer your questions, but first a few points that have been bothering me.

Firstly:

If you post a little blog entry, you leave your sticky little IP address and assholes like me call their boyfriends to ask how to get to it. When he throws up his hands as high as he possibly can get them without breaking something, that asshole turns to google. And with your sticky little underage IP comes your location. Uh-oh!

“Mcpuffypuff” has a hell of a drive to get to school. And yes, I blocked out the IP. I’m not so much of an asshole that I’m going to let you faggots pigetraep livejournal for the crimes of one jealous girl/man. Take it up with 4chan.

Secondly:

I will address the claim that “95% of Pratt students hate Liz Lee”. I pretended to have a conversation with a Pratt student about Liz, and it went a little something like this:

Me: Hey, friend. Can I ask you a few questions about Liz Lee?

Pratt Student: Who?

Me: It’s this girl who has an mtv show! MTV, I know riiiiiight? Isnt that sooooo shitty of her? Don’t you just HATE liz lee? I heard shes fake and a bitch and wears Prada everything.

Pratt student: Listen, as a student of Pratt University that doesn’t have a 26 hour commute, I can tell you right now I do not in any way shape or form give a shit about Liz Lee, or her show, since I am in college.

Me: But! Don’t you just hate that she has a TV show? ITS SO FAKE I SWEAR IT

Pratt Student: As an actual student of Pratt University that got an acceptance letter not made of bubble gum, I have spent the last 17 hours in the library and am going home to do more work. Go away.

And so forth. Guess what gents, I’m going to let you in on a life lesson:

If your life revolves around exposing “the truth” about a character from an mtv show, you probably aren’t doing college right. Or life. Re-evaluate, and kill yourself.

This is what you should be doing:

or, less acceptably but more realistically:

This is you:

You see what I’m getting at here? Try replacing obsessing over a character of a TV show with friends, a job, school work or a sex life. You tend to do better. There is an old quote that says "Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” If you take that to babelfish and unfaggot it, it means one thing: If you bitch loud enough about something. chances are you aren't against it. If you go high kicking around town trumpeting your hate for something to anyone who will listen, it means a lot more to you than it should, and you clearly have some insecurites with it. I’m looking at you too, obnoxious Twilight haters. If you really didn’t like it, and it was meaningless to you, it would go away, like your hate for brocolli or mold. But its there, front and center, dragging you endlessly to forums, giving you fire power in which you think you sound like a literary genius critic, but in fact are just obnoxiously ruining the art of conversation. But I digress.

Third:

Liz is a human. She gets upset, she feels sad, she makes mistakes, she lives her life and she has flaws. We fight. Sometimes we both just have to let our personalities clash together so they can grow from it. I'm told it's a sight to behold. I’m not going to write about how she's perfect and misunderstood and you should all leave her alone. But think about if your life was on TV. Think of what people would say to you. Think of all the times you’ve done something you weren’t proud of, or said something stupid. Or all those times you dance to Lady Gaga in front of the mirror. I know you do it. Her life is broadcasted, which means she can’t just freely do and say whatever she wants. She can’t party in New York, she can’t let people come over, because its impossible to pick friends from those who would try to bring her down. Or get something for themselves. She moved to New York alone, no friends there, no family, no one’s house to go over to when it gets too bad. Or when shes stressed, or scared. None of you know what that’s like. Cut her a little slack, like so many have cut you.

Last:

The people of the show are still people. Even the bad ones. I'm no fan of Cori Cooper, and I'll probably get hell for this, but really, you guys need to leave her kid out of this. Say what you want to her, I'm sure she can take it, but a little baby is blameless in this whole situation. She's not in high school anymore, she's starting a family, and working to keep it afloat. There's zero shame in that, and regardless of the fact that she was an ass in high school, her kid did nothing to you or to Liz. And don't give me that OMG LOL TEEN PREGGERS SHE FUCK UP HER LIFE LOL. The girl is 20, and has a stable guy whose going to take care of her. Telling someone their baby should be dead is probably one of the most hurtful things you can say, and it bothers me a lot. I wish her baby well, and hope her pregnancy goes smoothly, and I'm sure Liz feels the same. With any poetic justice, her kid will be a nerd too. Score!

Now that that’s all out of the way, theres questions that have been answered by the wrong people, and questions you all want answers to:

1. Is the show scripted?

No. I’ve been present for the recording of the show, and the cameras just follow her around until something cool happens. Sometimes they have to go back and re shoot something, or put in an artificial segway, because don’t be retarded. If they showed all of Liz’s life, not only would it be dreadfully boring, it would take a calender year to show. Watch tonight at 8! Liz gets scolded for not having her room clean; and then cleans it. Liz brushes teeth! Liz is caught in an internal conflict between shampoos! The people on the show are real people just doing what they do. The places are all real, including Burleson and Brooklyn. The events that take place happened. She sang at the talent show, I was there for it. And by the way, Band of Horses gave permission for her to use that song, and said they like it a lot. So take that. Yes, there is editing. Yes, some things are left out, or re done. It’s still a TV show and still has to fit into thirty minute chunks.

2. Does Liz act like she does on the show?

Yes. Theres a few differences, (namely much more cursing and references to various body functions) but largely, that’s pretty much Liz. She’s awkward and clumsy, and not in the endearing “I pretend to stand with my toes pointed in” kind of way. The "laying on my couch talking to me when a booger falls out of her nose into her mouth" kind of way. That actually happened by the way, and yes, it was hilarious. She really does like Star Wars that much. Its not just something she picked up for the show. We get into fights about it often, because I know very little of Star Wars and love to troll her. Although, I still maintain River Tam could beat Luke Skywalker in a fight. (I mean hello, Luke struggled using “the force” to pick up a light saber. River took out like 100 Reavers with a short range axe and bad assery alone.)

3. Is Liz a spoiled rich brat?

The main arguments I’ve heard for that point is that she has a macbook pro, an iphone, a nice house and a car. I’d like to point out that Liz owns none of these things, and in fact her parents do. They buy her things, yes. But I know her mother very well, she's like a second mom to me. And she in no way spoils Liz. She reminds Liz constantly of the blessing those things are, and Liz knows that. Liz’s mother and father did well enough for themselves to buy a nice house. It isn’t hers. That is as much her fault and an attribute to her character as having a not so nice house would be. Plus, land prices in Texas are dirt cheap. A house like that here is about 200k. Still nice, but no where near as expensive as the rest of the country. I think I just heard the people in California making a break for it. I can't believe people bitch about her phone. Who doesn’t have an iPhone, and plus its like a hundred bucks via AT&T. Again, if your life wasn’t focused on writing articles for live journal, you may be able to find yourself a job and buy one after about 12 hours of work. The macbook pro is a bit of a splurge by her parents, but I can’t really talk. My brand new 27” imac spanks her little laptop right on the ass and then makes it buy me dinner. The only thing I've ever seen Liz spend money on and care about is nike shoes and tacos. Nice things are good to have, and yes sometimes people get things bought for them. I’m sure you all pay rent, and bought all of your belongings. And PS, if you got off the internet and worked full time for about 30 days, you could buy nice things too. I’d also like to bring up that Liz is one of the biggest pinch pennies on Earth. Once, she paid me back gas money in change from a plastic Darth Vader head. The other day she scoffed at me and hurtfully called me “Daddy Warbucks” because I suggested she take a cab instead of walking the good 9 blocks to her destination. That hurt, by the way. I got sundaes with my boyfriend, and she seemed astounded I had money to buy such luxuries. Honestly, if Scrooge McDuck was a living entity, it would be Liz. Ask her rich, spoiled ass to go to dinner and she’ll pick taco bell and use the bathroom when its time to pay.

4. Is it true Liz lives in her own fancy apartment?

No. Watch her ustream, or any of her pictures. She has a shitty little ratty dorm close to this street they call “Murder Avenue”. If she had an apartment in New york, I would be living in it.

5. Is Liz really in New York?

Yes. Painfully, yes.

6. Is there going to be a season 2?

That depends very much on the viewers. While I’m sure the producers at mtv are as wrapped up in the plot as you are, they just want to know if the show will be watched. If you want a season 2, ask for one.

And honestly, anything else you want to know you can tweet at Liz. She reads her mentions, I promise you. Heres a good way to get noticed:

Right:

@mylifeasliz_liz hey liz, heard a rumor you were living in a fancy apartment!!! Confirm/deny?

Wrong:

@mylifeasliz_liz u bitch ur show is fake u live in apartment I
heard it uh huh I kno its true don’t lie ur so fake

Wrong:

@mylifeasliz_liz FOLLOW ME!!!!!!OH PLEASE PLEASE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

If you had to sort through tripe of people calling you fake, and a bitch, and anything else they can think of it would get to you. For those of you who still maintain Liz as a snotty bitch full of herself that pisses in urns made of gold I leave you this:

Remember that when you send things, someone on the other end reads them. Think before you say things just because its fun to knock people down. Chunks of text have impacts, and words really do hurt. You’re not being clever, and you don’t even mean the things you’re saying. That’s my best friend, and she always will be. She means the Earth to me, and its got just about nothing to do with her TV show. Straighten up, and enjoy your television program like a normal person.

Haters Gonna Hate,

-Hannah